My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was in her 40s. She was very heavy, overweight and large breasted. I am uncertain as to why she let the lump go in her breast as long as she had but she did. Could be fear or not wanting to know or face it, I have no idea. My father found the lump and it was the size of a golf ball. My mother had very large, long breasts. After having four girls and already being a bit of a big woman coupled with her sweet tooth and lack of exercise and perhaps genetics, she became overweight.
I remember my father often challenging her to lose her weight by offering trips or a cruise and she would make an effort but eventually gave up. She would huff and puff just going up the street as she was so out of shape.
Unfortunately, the cancer, once found and diagnosed, had gotten into her lymph node under her arm and so they had to remove her right breast. I remember how devastated she was and how ugly she felt. Losing a breast of that size, threw off her sense of balance as well and then the chemo thinned her hair. She wore wigs until it grew in a bit more. She always had thin hair to begin with and the chemotherapy did not help. I remember her getting radiation treatments and how tan her upper chest got from it.
I remember the trouble she had in finding a fake breast to put into her bra. It was hard to find one the right size. Either she found one that was similiar in size but it had a lil pocket in it and so it would make this flop noise as it hit against her chest when she walked or it was a silicone gel type that was just too small and she was lopsided. It was a nasty scar too from what I remember.
Beyond the aesthetics, this took a toll on my mother's self esteem and I won't forget the anguish and pain she felt and how awful she felt about herself after the surgery.
She was alright health wise afterwards for about a year or so and then cancer reappeared in her legs as bone cancer. We were told, that it was only a matter of time and all they could do about the bone cancer was to try to slow it down and make her as comfortable as possible.
I remember the many visits to the doctors and hospitals for her. I remember her limping and using a cane or walker and she felt so limited as it hurt for her to walk. My mother was always so strong and always was doing things, keeping busy, but now, she could not and barely could get out of bed to go to the bathroom. We put a port-a-potty into the room for her and her bed was moved downstairs into the living room as she could not take the stairs.
She had seen a chiropractor for the pain and I remember being shown how to push my elbow into certain places on her legs and her buttocks, on pressure points, to try to help alleviate the pain. My mother would scream out there in bed when I did this and I hated it. It was awful. I always felt I was just causing her more pain instead of lessening it.
The cancer moved up from the bones in her legs and travelled up her spine and eventually got to her brain and she was placed into the hospital and then had tumors form on her skull.
I was 17, in Earth Science class when the call came. Before the teacher could tell me what it was or who it was for, I turned to my best friend Penny and told her, "That's for me, to tell me that my mother died."
I just knew.
I felt rather numb at the time. I was prepared for it as she was in the hospital and I had gotten to see her a day or two before. I was able to tell her I loved her and I remember she could not talk much with all the tubes.
It was very hard to watch my mother die like that. Waste away from cancer. To go from a woman who was always so strong to her body becoming so weak. Cancer is such a horrible disease and so hard on the body and mind with how debilitating it is, not to mention how hard it is on the loved ones to watch their family or friends die like that.
My mother died in 1982. She was 49 years old.
I am now 46 and I was told by my father and I can see for myself in the pictures of her, that I am built just like my mother.
I have had many mammograms and been getting them yearly now since I was in my 30s. I keep a close watch on my breasts and it's hard to check them for I have fibercystic breasts so I have to have the doc check them once a year as well as myself. I know that I am in much better shape than she was as I am more active, yet I do worry about getting cancer like she did. It used to be a theory of mine that the cancer fed on the fat in her body, although I do know that skinny people do get cancer too so that theory went out the window. But still, it is another driving point for me to keep up the fight with the battle of the bulge, just in case that has anything to do with it and also I believe if I am more fit and stronger, that my body might be able to keep it away or fight it better.
I do have a cyst in my right breast although it is not cancer, thank goodness. I've had scares but so far, so good.
It was my father's belief that my mother always wore bras that were too small and did not fit her properly and I try to be mindful of that as well, even if that sounds far fetched.
I also know my mother ate a lot of fish from rivers where there could have been mercury or poisoning within them that could have caused the cancer. No idea. We'll never know.
On top of this, my aunt, no blood relation, but was married to my father's younger brother, got the same type of cancer as my mother and she went through the exact same thing. She was built similiar to my mother as well and often we all went camping and fishing together as a family. My aunt died about 20 some years ago herself as the cancer ravaged her body and I think she had it even worse.
I can only hope that I will not get cancer or if I do, it will be caught soon enough so that it may just get removed and I will be ok and can be a cancer survivor. I used to always say as a kid that if I ever got breast cancer, after the grieving process of losing my breasts, I would then turn around and get several different sizes of breasts. One day, I could be the size 34A and wear the skimpy sexy outfits I never could and then the next day, I'd be a nice 38D and wear the hot outfits for larger breasted women too. My way of coping with the fear of it happening to me.
I know all I can do is to take good care of myself, get check ups with the doc regularly and encourage my daughter to do the same as she also, is built like me.
The whole experience with my mother, who never got to see me have kids, never saw me get married and I never got to talk to her about her pregnancies, her life, or other women things that I would have loved to have talked to her of now that I am a grown woman...all of that, made me wish to share of all the knowledge I can and have with my daughter before she goes out into the world. I know I can't give her experience as that is for her to live her life and do, but I can share all the knowledge and wisdom I can with her that I do have. For life is fleeting and sometimes you never know what may happen the next day. So many things I wish I could turn and talk to my mom about. To sit down with her and have a good conversation and ask her of her life. She was a very closed person, sadly. So there is a lot that I do not know and did not get to share with her.
I was never close to my mother when I was a young girl. But I am extremely close with my daughter now and I am all the more blessed for that and grateful. In a way, I like to think that my mother is watching and smiling to see me have this special bond with my daughter for it is what I wished we could have had, my mother and I. But I know she would be proud of my girl and that we are taking better care of ourselves.
This is why I have the penguin with the pink ribbon on this site in support of breast cancer awareness.
I also purchase pink things now and then in support of it and think of my mother.
I miss you mom.
No comments:
Post a Comment